my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the day after is always just damage control
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
