apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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