How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
