there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
