Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
