If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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