Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
