i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
