Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
