Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
