My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
