actually, I'm a sock model
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
