You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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