Your dad touched me again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
