last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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