I got chris browned last night
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Randomize
