im about as happy as oj after his trial
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Who died my cat blue again?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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