Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
