my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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