the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
