your parents love me but you hate me
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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