your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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