oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
sex in a hospital.. check
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
