Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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