My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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