I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
