can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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