as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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