Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
