Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
