just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
