Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Congratulations! We have a period
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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