Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
