My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
