I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
