My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
