he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
