You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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