I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sorry my hands just texted you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
