my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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