My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
