Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
