were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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