I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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