Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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