He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I need moral support for this bender
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
