dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
do herpes really smell.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
