Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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