Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
