why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
