And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
