yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
