She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
